Sunday November 26, 2006

Going Deeper, Diving In
Lisa Johnson

What has life been like for you over the last few months? What word would you use to describe or encapsulate what you have experienced this year? What has been the desire of your heart? Are you satisfied?
This year has been a very rough one for our family. The winds began to blow strong and steady in April; they did not quiet down for months. There were words, actions, reactions and tears—lots of tears. There were times I wasn't sure whether I could get up off the floor and times that I felt as if I had been side-swiped, unable to breathe. Some of the trials made me just shake my head and wonder where they came from, while other trials made me so mad I felt like I had all this pent up energy. I did not know why it was happening, so I chose to go and hit a bunch of golf balls until I couldn't swing anymore.

Through it all, I had choices. First, the choice that I faced was either to be real, open, and vulnerable with a few trusted people or to shut down emotionally. In my 26-year walk with the Lord, I knew that shutting down was detrimental, which left me with only one other avenue—open up, be real, and be vulnerable.

The second choice that I faced was to decide who I would open myself to. We have all had friends or family who failed to keep a confidence, and I suspect that each one of us has failed others in the same way. When I could not trust those around me I knew that I could turn to the only one that I found trustworthy—the Lord. I can tell Him whatever is on my heart, knowing that He will listen and comfort me like no one else can. In the dark of night when all others are sleeping or unavailable, He is waiting with open heart filled with love and compassion. Sometimes I have put on worship music and sung to Him, other times I have been silent and opened myself up to leading of the Holy Spirit. He would bring me before the Lord and there my heart could find healing.

The third choice that I faced was to decide who I thought the Lord was leading me to ask to walk with me through the storms of life. He, being always faithful, gave the right people to me as gifts to comfort me, love me, pray with me, and carry me. These few people shed tears along with me, handed tissues to me to catch my tears, and shared Scripture with me. Sometimes, after I had been teaching, I would seek solace from those who loved me unconditionally. These few remembered that I am human and granted me the opportunity to share the very inner recesses of my heart and life without any condemnation. Did I ever fear that they would share my heart with others? Did I ever doubt their love? Did I ever get angry at the Lord or doubt that He knew what was best for me? Not once. The people that the Lord gave me as gifts were prepared by and used by Him for His glory. The trials he allowed caused me to desire and love Him more than ever before. Did I struggle through my trials? Yes, but the healing came through prayer, time, and tears as the Lord and my close friends walked with me.

The final choice that I had was to decide if I would use the gifts of the Spirit that He has empowered me to use for His glory. I could have given God 101 reasons why I couldn't go on; but in the end, it didn't matter what the reasons were. It was a matter of obedience to and trust in Him.

Going deeper with the Lord requires hard choices. Will we decide to allow God to break us and mold us? Will we decide to surrender anything that inhibits us from following Him? We can either stand at a precipice and not jump, or we can look up and put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes we want to know what the end result will be before we take the next step, but that is not faith. Faith, according to Hebrews 11:1, “is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Going deeper with the Lord and diving in is a choice we all must make. No one person can make it for us or take the choice away from us. We can believe or not believe, trust or not trust, open up or shut down.

Going deeper and diving in required struggling, sacrifice, and ultimately the surrender of myself to Him. If He had told me what was coming beforehand I never would have dived in, so I am glad that in His mercy He didn't tell me what awaited. This year has been the toughest, roughest season that I have experienced, yet now I can testify it was worth it. He is more to me now than He was at the beginning of the year. This year, I discovered that no matter how deep the trials, the pain, or the sorrow, My God is deeper still. I discovered that there is no thing, no person who can ever separate me from the love of God. Not now. Not ever. Will you dive in? Will you go deeper? He is waiting for you to make the choice.

Lisa Johnson is on the Advisory Board for Coffee with Paul Ministries, is an avid student and teacher of Scripture, and resides in Greenfield, IN.  She is co-owner with her husband of Lightbooks Online Bookstore.